Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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