I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Randomize
