M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
