if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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