This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
