your parents love me but you hate me
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
