Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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