I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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