my phone needs a breathalizer
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
