i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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