You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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