i think i have two assholes
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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