Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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