you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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