A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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