My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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