I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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