I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
