The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
