Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
