i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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