My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
