Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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