I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
