did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
