first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize