She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize