I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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