You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
