I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
