She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
