and my herpes radar will keep us safe
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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