I just threw up on my dentist
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
