suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
