My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
