I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
