my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
