so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
