Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
