I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
