If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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