Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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