My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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