Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize