i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
