I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize