I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
