I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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