I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
