If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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