My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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