Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
