mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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