dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
