Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
