Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize