worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Green mimosas i think yes
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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