you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
