That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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