Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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