i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
