i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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