He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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